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Pat Paulsen's Amendments to the US Constitution

Pat's keen politcal insight and genuine concern for his country and fellow Americans drove him to propose improvements to the US Constitution. See if you agree with him...

    I, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to myself and my posterior, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.

    Article 1
    Section 1. All legislative powers herein shall be vested in the President of the United States of America for life.
    The President will have complete control of all forts and arsenals and other needful buildings necessary to secure the safety of his citizens.

    Section 7. All bills for raising revenue shall originate in the office of the President. He shall have power to lay and collect taxes to provide for the common defense and general welfare of his family and friends. If the country is in peril for the lack of essential minerals, oil and land necessary for its citizens, he may encourage incursions into other lands not belonging to the United States for the procurement of these valuables.

    Section 9. No title of nobility shall be granted except in the case of the office of the Presidency of the United States. Henceforth the President will be referred to as "Your Eminence". Protocol also recommends that other nations give full faith and credit to the title of "Sovereign Deity".

    Article II
    Section 4. A Presidential fund will be set up to counter any suits or litigation brought against a sitting President on charges relating to fiscal or sexual abuse or other injurious statements designed to denigrate a duly elected President.

    New Article
    Pious pronouncements and opinions delivered and expressed by any wife or husband of a sitting President are hereby prohibited and denied. Violations could result in the resurrection of the guillotine. (retroactive)

    Repeal of Amendment XXVI
    The President recognizes the right to censure those of unbearable ignorance, shown by their insipid use of improper English grammar "ya know, ya know". Therefore, the right to vote shall be denied to those under the age of thirty.

    Repeal of Amendment XXVI
    Knowing that no college or college person comprehends the complex issues or has any clue to life or living whatsoever, the electoral college is hereby terminated and the power returned to the President.

    Amendment to Amendment 1
    Obscene literature and pornographic materials which have little or no artistic merit shall be confiscated and given to the President to view so that he can determine whether this salacious material is detrimental to the citizenry.

    Amendment to Amendment 1
    Understanding the roll of the press and its invidious and pernicious writings, and knowing its bias against most sitting Presidents, freedom of speech is hereby abolished. The inevitable protests to this action by newspapers, television and all forms of media expressions shall be looked upon as treason and rebellion. Those who continue to protest will have their businesses confiscated and will be brought to justice and could be hung by their necks until they are dead.

    Amendment to Article 1, Section 9
    The privilege of Habeas Corpus shall be suspended in all cases of rebellion from January 20th 1997 until January 20th, 2001.

    These articles and amendments need not be ratified.

    Done in convention on this 26th day of April in the year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred and ninety five in the burro of Los Angeles.

    In witness whereof I have hereunto subscribed my name.

    Pat Paulsen